“This is all crap….”
That is what went through my consciousness when I opened this blog today.
“Why the fuck am I writing/doing this and who the fuck am I writing/doing this for.”
Well,… the short answer is me, for the first time in my life I am doing this for me. So that I have a place to go and spill out all that is going on for me as I allow myself to embody my creative genius (Guinevere ;)). For me, and Im sure many others it has become so easy to get caught up in doing things to seek approval. Recently, I’ve become acutely aware of this patterning inside me. I have found in the past that I have always done things so that I have something to identify with, so that when others ask “what are you up to” I can say this that and the other and I feel worthy in a world that is all about success, and then that leads to the other pattern, which is one of competition with other women, which ultimately leads to self sabotage. I can go through every single “success” that I have had since graduating college, through out my teaching career and since quitting teaching; and there has always been someone (always another woman) that I have unconsciously deemed the enemy. This person may have started off as a friendship that then turned unhealthy, or a colleague that I thought was in the wrong, but inevitably my ego was constantly wanting to be better than them, so I would make them the “bad person.” Now some of this was me learning how to be an empath in a world that still has a lot of narcissism and some of these relationships became unhealthy and did need to end, but why would I link that to my own self worth and identity and why would I allow it to sabotage my success. Or was it all leading me to this moment.
Yep it was all leading me to now.
Thanks ego?
